Posted on March 12, 2016 by Ellie Phant

BREXITMANIA

British public beside themselves about prospect of a referendum that means they can finally stick it to the Latvians.

European peasants in traditional BREXIT costume

For the past many something years people have been able to ignore the EU, partly because they chose not to really a give a shit, and because they don’t really know what it is. In a recent poll conducted by unknown pollsters in an unknown part of the UK 9 out of 10 people admitted that they do not know where the EU is but do not like the idea of staying in it. The remaining 2% of those polled said that they had a pretty good idea it was next to the place that straight bananas are made.

Thanks to a concerned David Cameron this has now changed and, under a new law, everyone must have an opinion on the EU, or BREXIT as it is now called.

Elephant Juice Guide To BREXIT

Until recently no-one had heard of BREXIT and the term was only allowed to be used by home-owners who serve artisan cheese at the end of a dinner party. However, the well known feminist red top The Sun has launched the term to the Plebs in a spectacular fashion. Such is its popularity that travel agents are reporting a 60% upsurge in enquiries from people who want to visit BREXIT before we have to leave for good.

Andrzej Kalinowski, who owns a factory in the south west of Staines, said his employees had been working 49 hours a week with no holidays since the BREXIT explosion. “Everyone wants a piece of the BREXIT action” he told our reporter excitedly. “We are producing BREXIT mugs, tea towels and passport covers faster than a strawberry picker in Herefordshire can say ‘you can’t buy a vacuum cleaner with a motor over 1600 watts!’”

Speaking to the workforce at lunchtime, our reporter found that many of them were very excited about the idea of BREXIT and what this may mean for their future. Howard, 87 from lower Staines had previously been enjoying a happy retirement until BREXIT became a ‘hot topic’ as he put it. “I wanted a piece of the BREXIT action”, he rasped. “Kalinowski leafleted the area offering a free train ride to BREXIT for anyone who came and worked at the factory for less than the minimum wage. Being blind with limited hearing and only 1 workable limb I was hesitant at first, but I realised it was actually the incentive I had been looking for”.

Susan, 56 also from Lower Staines said she was very excited about the upcoming referendum. “I think this is just what this country needs, I love a good vote. I will definitely be voting for BREXIT, I have told my grandchildren that I will take them there in the school holidays”.

Posted on November 21, 2015 by Ellie Phant

Woman shocks colleagues by not being on diet

Admin assistant Barbara Woods, 46, from Bradford-Next-The-Sea shocks co workers.

Not diet food

Elephant Juice have been given unprecedented access into the mind of a middle aged admin worker living in Bradford-Next-The-Sea originally from West Penge. Shocked co workers raised the alarm across social media when Barbara declared ‘I am not on a diet’. Barbara’s co worker Shirley said people thought she was joking at first, “I mean she had to be right?” Susan, (55) supervisor of the customer care advisory, help and assistance in time of need team, looked visibly shaken. “The thing is we are women and we work in an office, we all have to be on a diet. I think it is actually a law”.

While some were obviously very dismayed by Barbara’s outburst others were forming a queue of quiet praise. ‘Carol’ (not her real name) was keen to anonymously support her brave colleague. “It is about time someone stood up and said ‘Yes, we can eat the biscuits’, and we no longer need to pretend that cakes evaporate when exposed to a note saying ‘it’s my birthday please help yourselves’”

Following her unexpected announcement Barbara had spent the morning in the protective custody of her team leader’s office. When our reporter finally managed to speak to her she was upset but doing her best to come to terms with the recent events. “I don’t know what came over me” the 46 year old mother of two muttered. “I guess I just couldn’t go on living a lie, I had been thinking of telling the girls in the office this for months now, but I didn’t have the courage until today. Something just snapped, I couldn’t hold it in, and almost before I knew what happening there it was… out for all to hear, apparently Jean fainted, and I have no idea what Barry and the kids are going to say when I get home”.

Asked what she thought might happen next Barbara looked pained. “I wish I had thought it through, but I had turned down one chocolate hob nob too many. I had kept fruit in my drawer for months and even began to think that infusing a peach in a bottle of water was actually a good idea. I even kept copies of smoothie monthly on my desk. If I say so myself I was damn good, no one would have expected a thing. Admittedly I was six dress sizes smaller when I started here 12 months ago, but what better way to prove you are on a diet than by putting on weight”.

Posted on March 25, 2014 by Ellie Phant

Today in Wetsminster

Incarceration Tsar Gray Quisling told Parliament today that after a visit to Australia’s prison centre of excellence, Cell Block H that he was to institute a book ban for all naughty people.

I’d throw the book at you, sonny Jim.

Struggling to be heard over the cheers as the awards for Eton’s top 100 FAG Masters were read out at the opposite end of the chamber, the enslavement expert continued undeterred. He informed the MPS that two people, Mr and Mrs Teddington, had attended his surgery in Penge over the past year and they were very concerned that some bad people were learning information. “You can’t ignore that kind of concern.” he stated. “This is why I have put into place a ban on any bad person in all the United Britain’s jails from being able to read words.”
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Posted on March 24, 2014 by Ollie Phant

Hugh Heffner Allergic to Rabbits Shock!

Global woman keeper Hugh Heffner admitted to the shocking revelation whilst on a photo shoot for American Lothario.

A Bunny Startled By The News That It Was Always Safe From The Attentions Of An Old Perv

“I am allergic to rabbits,” the skirt chaser spluttered. “I was terrified in the early days when my agent told me I was to house a mansion full of bunny girls.” The pervy old codger chuckled as he told Elephant Juice “If I had known that no real rabbits were to be involved and I was just there to exploit nubile young virgins I wouldn’t have worried at all!”
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Posted on March 23, 2014 by Ellie Phant

UKIP proposes twinning Stoke Poges with Penge

Nicholas Forage UKIP ambassador was at the centre of a media storm last night when he suggested that Stoke Poges should be twinned with Penge.

UKIP propose twinning Stoke Poges with Penge

Twinning usually takes place between towns from different countries but this is something Forage thinks Britain should change. Forage, ‘politician’ and resident of Upper Penge, was making his annual address to party stalwarts at the UKIP conference held each year in Little Germany, Bradford. The announcement was no real surprise to the party faithful, who have long been aware of Forage’s deep love for his hometown and almost unhealthy attraction to Stoke Poges.
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Posted on March 23, 2014 by Ellie Phant

Has it all gone down the pan for the Urinator?

For this weeks in-depth interview Ellie Phant has been to meet Simon Weedon to ask him how he has been affected since his ‘no piss list’ was leaked to the Sunday Papers.

The Urinator

After numerous cups of tea in his modest semi in Penge-next-the-sea, Simon, a professional urinator of twenty years opens up about how it all began.

“I have been pissing on people on fire for many years now, I like to think that I am good at it, it hasn’t always been this comfortable though. As a nipper growing up in Greater Penge there was a lot of pressure put upon me. My family didn’t mean to, but it is difficult not feel the weight of responsibility when your Dad was a pisser, and his Dad before him. Even me Mum was a pisser for a while but it just got too complicated for her during the 80s when dungarees were in fashion.”
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Posted on March 23, 2014 by Ellie Phant

Gays Hate Rainbows!

Yesterday, the world’s leading Gay revealed information that has sent shock waves through the straight community.

No, Kylie, No

Carl Crispin, Gay representative and author of ‘No Kylie, No’ and ‘Princess Diana Who?’ made the announcement in a very serious voice. “I think it is about time we were clear about this”, he told the expectant crowd at a gay gathering of gays in Stoke Poges. “We like black and white, and hard lines. I have no soft furnishings in my house at all, and neither do my very gay friends. We abhor colours, particularly rainbow ones.”
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Posted on March 22, 2014 by Ellie Phant

Bikes cycle through Yorkshire

This summer residents of Yorkshire will be witness to hundreds of men on bikes cycling. The Grand Départ, or ‘The Start’ as locals have affectionately coined, it will take place on July 5th. Elephant Juice’s sports correspondent has been visiting Yorkshire towns and villages to hear what people really think of this cycling spectacular.

A Bicycle

Residents of Howarth are particularly excited to be hosting a leg of the race but many feel that it should have been renamed. “I don’t know what was wrong with The Tour De Bronte” said parish councillor, Branwell Jones. “Everything is Bronte round here. Always has been, always should be. I don’t even know who the France family are.”
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Posted on March 22, 2014 by Ellie Phant

Swearing epidemic hits the US!

A swearing epidemic has swept through large parts of America following the publication of a 60 year study by the University of Utucky due west of the northern southern part of the country.

An American University

The research, carried out by Professor Barry Williams has had an effect that even he did not predict; he told Elephant Juice this morning. ‘I didn’t expect to find a correlation between swearing and longevity, but now I have I am absolutely over the fucking moon.’ ‘I started this research 60 years ago with 40 participants. 20 were vegetarian health freaks, and 20 were meat eating couch potatoes. I asked the 20 vegetarians to swear 10 times a day every day and the meat eaters to refrain from using foul language entirely. ‘The results are astonishing’, he continues. ‘All of the non exercising meat eaters have died during the course of the study yet the swearing vegetarians have all survived! I tell you, this pisses in the face of all the bastards who said I was wasting my time’. Asked how he felt about America swearing its way to a long life he exclaimed ‘are you shitting with me?! It’s bloody fantastic’.
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