Bingoing Crazy In T’North

For many years the only available entertainment available to the working classes has been under threat.

Recently however, the government have rescued the past time that Northerners and poor people call Bingo. The Elephant Juice editorial team have been finding out what the impact of the rescue in conjunction with the reduction of a price of a pint (the Working class national drink) has actually meant on the ground.

Rose from Halifax, in the north, said “Ay up. I am reet relieved. If I didn’t have Bingo and Beer, I would have no reason for getting my whippet up in the morning’ Rose’s sense of pleasure was not shared by Southerner and middle class animal lover, Keith from Kent. When interviewed by the team Keith said, ‘I am furious. Why wasn’t there a referendum on this? Until the government’s announcement last week I had no idea that Beer and Bingo existed. I have wasted so much money on champagne, roulette and prostitutes. Where’s my tax break? This is yet a further example of the system letting us savers and shareholders down. I for one will be voting UKIP at the next election and so will my wife Dorothy’.

The lack of information regarding Bingo does seem to be at the heart of many of the voters disquiet. In a quiet suburb left of Penge daily commuters were asked what they thought the working classes do for pleasure. The response was one of genuine confusion. ‘I think I can speak for all of Penge when I say that I don’t think it is appropriate for the working classes to be involved in pleasure of any kind’ stated Alan (a staunch Tory voter since before he was born). I don’t really understand why Dave and crew have done this. It would never have happened under Maggie. It’s bad enough that you here of them travelling to Iceland on regular basis. I have no idea how they afford that kind of holiday, quite frankly it shouldn’t be allowed’.

There are those who feel that the Bingo tax break could change lives. David and Paul from Grimsby showed us into their sumptuous Bingo hall called BINGO DAHLING. ‘David has been as giddy as a camp kipper since the Bingo reforms were announced’ laughed Paul. Handing out dirty martinis Paul explained ‘we have been trying to do something new here for many months. This is Bingo sweetie, but not as you know it. David and I obviously have conventional balls, but instead of calling numbers out we shout out the names of soft furnishings. I feel like I have a new lease of life’.

Travelling through Hull happy working class northerners could be seen sharing tobacco outside the many Bingo halls now saved from demolition. We were shown into Better Bingo by the owner Frank, a bingo hall the size of a large bingo hall. His ball machine was displayed proudly underneath a large oil painting of the iconic working class hero Billy Bragg. ‘What you have to understand’ he said is that these balls have been in my family for years. They are not just bits of plastic with numbers on them; they are a working class way of life’. His emotions threatened to overcome him but Frank held back the tears as he continued, ‘when you hear that number being called out you know that generations heard that number before you. The middle classes just don’t understand. They may have their wine bars and fancy restaurants but I bet you that not one of them has ever held a dabber’.

Clive and Barbara are stalwarts of Better Bingo, and have been attending the hall on a daily basis for 30 years. ‘It’s in my DNA she says. I know a lot of people have been criticising that Grant Shappes chappy, but I think he had a point. We work hard and we like Bingo’. When questioned as to whether she thought the poster was patronising Barbara looked clearly uncomfortable and waved her dabber at Clive who had been drinking his pint whilst clutching his penny change. ‘Barbara doesn’t feel patronised’ he said. ‘What you have to understand is that it is ok for people in London to think about this kind of stuff, but we live in the North. Being patronised isn’t for the likes of us.  We work hard and we play Bingo, I think they have finally got it right. All we need now is a complete ban on illegal immigrants and benefit scroungers playing bingo. Once they have sorted that out we will have a Britain to be proud of again’.