Swearing epidemic hits the US!

A swearing epidemic has swept through large parts of America following the publication of a 60 year study by the University of Utucky due west of the northern southern part of the country.

The research, carried out by Professor Barry Williams has had an effect that even he did not predict; he told Elephant Juice this morning. ‘I didn’t expect to find a correlation between swearing and longevity, but now I have I am absolutely over the fucking moon.’ ‘I started this research 60 years ago with 40 participants. 20 were vegetarian health freaks, and 20 were meat eating couch potatoes. I asked the 20 vegetarians to swear 10 times a day every day and the meat eaters to refrain from using foul language entirely. ‘The results are astonishing’, he continues. ‘All of the non exercising meat eaters have died during the course of the study yet the swearing vegetarians have all survived! I tell you, this pisses in the face of all the bastards who said I was wasting my time’. Asked how he felt about America swearing its way to a long life he exclaimed ‘are you shitting with me?! It’s bloody fantastic’.

Taking part in the research has been harder for some participants than others. Reverend Bill Myers of Nantucket Prairie told us ‘It was very hard at first. I don’t think the congregation always appreciated my colourful choice of language. There were very dark times when I considered throwing in the towel, but then I thought if this is going to make me live longer praise the fucking lord!

Carey Michaels had to give up her job as News Anchor for Big News Corp after a serious of complaints flooded in about her language. ‘I don’t think the Dalai Lama minded the swearing as much as the audience’, she said. ‘It was a difficult day, but I thought arse to the lot of them. I may have not worked since, and I can’t say that this trailer park was my first choice of home, but at least when I go to bed at night I know that I am going to live longer than any of the twats who fired me’.

Elephant News asked the American Medical Journal of America for their thoughts on the groundbreaking study. Ed Edwards editor of the journal told us, ‘I think the research is flawed, I always have, but none of us want to take any chances, so I say bollocks why not give it a try. I mean, apart from the children we are all fucking grownups right? It doesn’t do any harm and it could do a hell of a lot of whoring good’.

In an interview on Get Out of Bed Britain this morning, Doris Stoker (107) founder of the Women’s Institute and oldest Penge resident was asked whether she put down her longevity to swearing? Doris replied, ‘I’m a 107 you know. Arse tits’.