Has it all gone down the pan for the Urinator?

For this weeks in-depth interview Ellie Phant has been to meet Simon Weedon to ask him how he has been affected since his ‘no piss list’ was leaked to the Sunday Papers.

After numerous cups of tea in his modest semi in Penge-next-the-sea, Simon, a professional urinator of twenty years opens up about how it all began.

“I have been pissing on people on fire for many years now, I like to think that I am good at it, it hasn’t always been this comfortable though. As a nipper growing up in Greater Penge there was a lot of pressure put upon me. My family didn’t mean to, but it is difficult not feel the weight of responsibility when your Dad was a pisser, and his Dad before him. Even me Mum was a pisser for a while but it just got too complicated for her during the 80s when dungarees were in fashion.”

“I tried to avoid this life for a while; I think I was afraid that I wouldn’t be able to live up to expectations. I am ashamed to say that for much of my early twenties I kept on walking each time I saw someone on fire, then one afternoon I knew I couldn’t avoid it any longer. I wasn’t a kid anymore; it was time to step up to the mark. I took my first piss for someone other than myself and felt, well, relieved. I’ve not looked back since! I used be teased at school, but now I’m known as ‘The Urinator’ so whose laughing now? I will admit that sometimes I feel like a superhero…although obviously I can’t wear my pants outside of my trousers when on call.”

“I work a minimum of 7 days a week; there are only two of us left doing this in the whole of the UK now. Basically I get a call from the Fire Station (you could say I am the 6th emergency service) and off I go. It is exciting work, and very rewarding but it does affect my personal life. I could be out having a meal with a girlfriend and suddenly say, ‘sorry love, I need to take a piss’. She doesn’t know if I’m just nipping to the gents or am going to be gone for a couple of hours. I guess you have to take the rough with the smooth though in this line of work, and at the end of the day I get to piss on people for a living. Apart from bankers and politicians who else gets to do that?”

“I was upset when my ‘no piss list’ was leaked to the Sundays. No one likes having to defend themselves, especially when I am providing a public service. Mind you, people have been pretty good since the whole thing broke. I was doing my shopping the other day when a bloke came up to me and said ‘Good for you man, I wouldn’t piss on George Osborne if he was on fire neither!’ The biggest problem has been defending my decision about the Queen. It’s not that I don’t like her, I love the Royals even the one that turns up at Wimbledon. But you can’t piss on the Queen that would just be disrespectful, no matter what state she was in. If it’s any consolation I would piss on Philip twenty times over.”

Next week Ellie interviews the reclusive clown whisperer Bob Sides.